The Comb-Over Brotherhood

There is the Muslim Brotherhood of the middle east and the Comb-Over Brotherhood (COB) of central Minnesota.

Before I tell some of the COB story, I offer this revealing definition of a “comb over”:

“A rearrangement of surrounding hair to cover a bald spot as completely as possible. Usually accomplished by flattening strands of hair in widely-spaced parallel stripes across the afflicted region. Rarely successful, often calls attention to the follically-challenged zone in question.”  (Urban Dictionary)

Unreliable sources trace the beginning of the radical wing of the COB to an unfortunate trash-talk incident at Jerry’s Café in Pequot Lakes, Minnesota.  In winter of 2004, several hair-challenged, middle-aged white men were having their morning coffee and donuts when their waitress, Phyllis Bottomly–a woman with stringy hair issues of her own–yelled at the comb-over guys, “All you baldies don’t have enough hair combined to cover the butt on a wiener dog!”  With Phyllis still snorting with mirth behind the counter, other patrons in the café laughed uproariously and rained catcalls on the COB group, their thinly-concealed scalps turning red as stoplights.

Shamed to their core, the COB guys grabbed their coats, carefully donned fur-lined ball caps, and huffed away, muttering threats of revenge.  That night they met in Frank Block’s basement, and after an hour of unproductive swearing and shouting, decided to draw some uncomplimentary graffiti of Phyllis Bottomly on the  town’s railroad overpass.

That might have been the end of it, but Charley Doot, a repeat troublemaker since second grade when he’d designed an exploding spit-wad made from chalk, continued to provoke other COB members.  After sniffing one too many tubes of Bed Head, Charley sold the group on what came to be known as the Rushmore Plan.  A hair-brained idea for sure, the group began gathering explosives to use in blowing a comb-over part in George Washington’s granite skull on the famous monument in South Dakota.

Important fact:  The “part” is the key component in a successful comb-over, and members of the COB are particularly sensitive about their parts and where they are located.  You will save yourself some serious personal harm by never staring slack-eyed, mouth open at anyone’s comb over part.

Many years have passed but the Rushmore Plan is not abandoned by certain elements of the Comb-Over Brotherhood.  Will these scheming baldies ever execute their audacious plot?

Next:  Flapping Cheeks